Earlier today I spoke to the funeral home. They already have our baby with them and by Saturday the cremation will be done. Just like that, my life will turn into ashes. I won't be able to pick up his ashes until I am back in Boston for my follow up 5 weeks from now.
I know that being happy is asking for too much... but... will it ever be OK? Will I ever be OK? Will I be able to shower and not burst into tears? Will I be able to drive without flooding the inside of my car? Will I ever want to leave my house and see people? Will I be able to think about anything other than my baby? Will I be able to wish for anything other than being pregnant? Will I be able to breath without it hurting? Every day gets more painful. Every time I wake up is a reminder that I am no longer pregnant, that my baby is gone. And it hurts. It really, really hurts.
I am so so very sorry you are feeling so down. I know how much it hurts. I was there four weeks ago after losing Baby #2. I know it's hard to believe, but it will get better. It's slow, and it's painful, and it's hard work... Blogging is a great step to work through it too. Are there any support groups in your area? Maybe reaching out to others in that way might help. I am thinking of you... hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt broke my heart to read this post. I felt the exact same way. I wrote those same words. I remember all too vividly those very feelings. And yes. The answer to all of your questions is yes. It is a hard road we have to follow but you are not alone and you will get through it, just as all of the rest of us are getting through it. Sending you strength and peace. <3
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