A year ago today we terminated our second pregnancy. Words are
not enough to describe the pain I felt. I never knew such intense pain. Pain so
real it felt as if I myself slowly carved my heart out. Pain so real, that even
thinking about that moment breaks the pieces my heart has left into a million
more.
Pieces… All that’s left of me. Pieces of the girl I used to be,
the dreams I used to have… how I used to smile… how I used to see the world. My
life will forever be defined by my losses.
Somehow, these terrible experiences turned me into a person I no
longer recognize. I managed to cut my friends list short. Not even my best friends or family know how I feel.
I’ve become a person who shares very little moments with very few people. And I
feel OK. I don’t feel the need to be surrounded by them or to cry on their
shoulder. I no longer yearn for their company or support. I’ve learned to
control my feelings and my need to share them, and only do so with less than a
handful of people.
True… I laugh, I smile, I love… although never as intensely as I
used to before I went off birth control.
I regret not taking more pictures… not holding my child for a
second longer… not having analyzed him as thoroughly as I would have wanted to.
I regret not telling him enough how sorry I was/am and how much I love him.
And despite all my sadness, nightmares, and grief, I am grateful
to have found out about his condition in time to choose what was best for him
and our family.
Today, I am also 28 weeks pregnant. It is frightening. Never
have I been so pregnant or so scared in my life. The fear of losing this baby
is constant… ever present. His kicks (supposed to be reassuring) scare me even
more. I keep asking questions and going to Google for answers. I continue to
have nightmares. I cry more often than not for all I’ve lost, and also because
I have not allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy. The cerclage is holding well
so far, but every day I am frightened by something new. Fear of experiencing
loss again, of what might happen… of what will happen once he is born... of the
unknown. Will this fear ever leave me?
