'what ifs' I have never made public-

With the anniversary of my first loss coming up, certain what ifs and other questions have managed to not leave my mind. 

What if something goes wrong when we try again?

What if “the worst” has not happened yet?

What if my “bad luck” never leaves me?

What if I’m simply not strong enough?

What if something happens and it hurts as much as both my losses put together? Will I be able to handle this much pain all over again? How much pain is enough?

It seems as if I’m only OK when I choose not to talk or think about it. 

It seems as if everyone else though thinks I’m OK. 

It seems everyone wants me to move on, yet they have never even dared ask how I’m doing. 

It seems no one remembers the dates I have so present every day.

A year ago today I found out I was expecting baby #1. I was waiting for my niece to be born, so I chose to keep it a secret. Our whole family had been expecting baby M for such a long time; I did not want to take away their moment.

I called my doctor back home, and he said to come in as soon as I returned. A week later M was born, and a couple of days after that I flew back home, had my blood drawn and went in for an ultrasound. I remember the baby measuring a little behind. We could not hear a heartbeat, and although math has never been my forte, I knew I should have been able to hear it already. My progesterone levels were low, so I was put on progesterone shots right away. A week later, I went in for the ultrasound where we found out our baby had passed. 

What if I had gone to the doctor as soon as I found out I was pregnant? What if I had told my family right then and there? Would I have been put on progesterone shots then? Would I have had a three-month-old baby today in my arms? Perhaps I would have never gone through my second loss... Perhaps I would have never known all this pain and bitterness... My two losses have left me with nothing but guilt.

With my niece’s birthday coming up next week, I can’t help to be sad. So far, March has been the worst month for me. I’ve cried my eyes out. I’ve been crying myself to sleep, and I wake up only to continue crying. Even though she is the personification of hope herself, and I could not be happier to haver her in my life, her birthday is also a reminder of how much I’ve lost this past year. 

What if this pain is all I'll ever get from trying to have a baby?