have you ever read the secret?

I guess I brought it upon myself. Everyone used to tell me: "stop thinking about negative things!" "Have you ever read The Secret?" "Be positive!"... And I thought to myself: easy for them to say, they didn't just go through a miscarriage.

I would go in for an ultrasound so worried I would hear the words "there's a problem" again. And for the longest time I didn't. It felt so safe to be where I was: sixteen weeks pregnant, my first screening was perfect, not one day of morning sickness. My biggest fear was I did not feel pregnant at all. Everyone assured me that was great, that so many people wished they felt as good as I did. And everyday I felt a little less scared. Except when it was time for an ultrasound. I had an ultrasound and an appointment with my OB every two weeks. I had a doppler at home. At the ultrasound waiting room, I would become extremely nervous. I suffer from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and those would be my worst days of the month.

At the 16w ultrasound, I spotted a white bright spot inside the baby's heart. I immediately began to worry. To be honest, I didn't really pay attention to anything else. The technician assured me it was nothing to worry about, that it shows up in some ultrasounds and that it usually goes away on its own. The doctor told me the same thing.

Two weeks later, I flew to Miami for my 18 week anatomy scan and had already scheduled an appointment with a cardiologist, just so she would reassure me that indeed it shows up in some ultrasounds but that it really was nothing to worry about. At the anatomy scan, the technician told me the baby wasn't cooperating, asked me to use the restroom and move around a little and come back. I did that twice. The second time I came in, the doctor was in the room. I did not think there was anything to worry about.

And there they were, the words I dreaded the most, and she tried to say them in Spanish as if they'd be easier to digest: "hay un problemo". She told us the baby had multiple heart and brain anomalies, as well as cleft lip and palate. She suggested it would be one of the fatal trisomies (13 or 18 as I had no odds for 21), an anmio, and proceeded to tell me that we should think about termination.

A week later we came to Boston to confirm the diagnosis. The baby has fatal brain and heart anomalies and will most likely die in utero. Our induction process starts tomorrow. I will have my second amnio then and will probably go into labor on Tuesday, the day we'll be 21 weeks. I was supposed to be celebrating his life, the "halfway there milestone", pinning images and inspiration for his nursery. Instead I'll be giving birth to my sleeping baby. I know both of them will now be together, which is somehow supposed to comfort me. I don't want them to be together in heaven. I want them both with me, in my arms, alive. Apparently I'm asking for too much.

-Cam