my heart still weeps.

A year ago today we terminated our second pregnancy. Words are not enough to describe the pain I felt. I never knew such intense pain. Pain so real it felt as if I myself slowly carved my heart out. Pain so real, that even thinking about that moment breaks the pieces my heart has left into a million more.

Pieces… All that’s left of me. Pieces of the girl I used to be, the dreams I used to have… how I used to smile… how I used to see the world. My life will forever be defined by my losses.

Somehow, these terrible experiences turned me into a person I no longer recognize. I managed to cut my friends list short. Not even my best friends or family know how I feel. I’ve become a person who shares very little moments with very few people. And I feel OK. I don’t feel the need to be surrounded by them or to cry on their shoulder. I no longer yearn for their company or support. I’ve learned to control my feelings and my need to share them, and only do so with less than a handful of people.

True… I laugh, I smile, I love… although never as intensely as I used to before I went off birth control.

I regret not taking more pictures… not holding my child for a second longer… not having analyzed him as thoroughly as I would have wanted to. I regret not telling him enough how sorry I was/am and how much I love him.

And despite all my sadness, nightmares, and grief, I am grateful to have found out about his condition in time to choose what was best for him and our family.

Today, I am also 28 weeks pregnant. It is frightening. Never have I been so pregnant or so scared in my life. The fear of losing this baby is constant… ever present. His kicks (supposed to be reassuring) scare me even more. I keep asking questions and going to Google for answers. I continue to have nightmares. I cry more often than not for all I’ve lost, and also because I have not allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy. The cerclage is holding well so far, but every day I am frightened by something new. Fear of experiencing loss again, of what might happen… of what will happen once he is born... of the unknown. Will this fear ever leave me?