I've been debating whether or not to write this post for a couple of days. I figured I created this space in order to jot down my feelings. After all, it is my space and no one else's. The thing about writing it is, it makes everything real. I'ts like saying it out loud. I wish I could keep my feelings to myself and not be tormented by them. But I've always been one to overthink. So here it goes:
Mixed feelings today. Who I'm I lying to? I've been having mixed feelings ever since we found out about the baby's condition and made up our minds about not moving forward with the pregnancy. The odds were never in his favor. I had the top doctors in the city tell me it was not a viable pregnancy. I heard that. I understood that. Ever since, I've felt like such a coward though. I feel I took the easy way out. Not that anything about this was easy... I failed, once again. Although this time was different: I failed him. I wasn't there for him. And it is oh so painful to write this down.
I will forever be reminded that it was my choice. A decision I made. It was not a miscarriage. And I kept begging it would be. That once we found out I'd find blood somewhere, that on the next ultrasound they'd tell me they couldn't find the heartbeat. None of that happened...
I know it was the right decision. That it had to be done. That it was the safest and only way I wouldn't have been at risk. It hurts anyway.
I keep thinking I'll never have the courage to write how things went down on September 29th. But not a second goes by I don't think about it. Ironically, it was World Heart Day. Mine stopped that day.
I am so so sorry. As someone who also had to make a decision to terminate for medicare reasons, I feel for you. One of the things I've thought about that has helped me is that the doctors assured me that having a procedure was "safer" than being induced or waiting for something bad to happen. It was controlled, scheduled, and the risk of complication was much more minimal than any other option. I also did research on what would happen if I was induced rather than have a D&E and to be honest... even though the baby *might* be born alive (there was also chance of still birth) the baby would live for maybe an hour or two. And it would be a struggle. I really really couldn't do that and live with knowing that my baby struggled like that. And emotionally this was easier for me - not to send "selfish" but there was no way my baby would survive, there was no viability, but I *would* survive. I would be alive the next day and I had to do what was easiest for myself and my husband to get through it.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very personal decision, and nobody should have to make it. It's really not fair at all. But you had to what is best for you, and sonly you and your husband know what is best. I know other people who chose other options and they still have pain and grief, so either way there is no escape from that. But please please be kind to yourself and not wallow in the guilt of it. Nobody should be in that situation and you did the best you could. Sending you light, peace and strength. <3
Thank you...
DeleteI came across your blog today and read your story. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, to me, to all of us here. You shouldnt have had to make this decision but, you made the best decision you could for yourself and your baby. You are his mother and nobody knows more than you do what is best for your baby. RIP baby angel-take care of yourself and your husband as this is the most difficult journey of your lives and you will need eachother more than ever.
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