When they say women are from Venus and men from Mars (is that how it goes?), they must be talking about grieve. Nothing can be more different than the way men and women grieve. I know my husband's grieving, that he's sad, that he also wants to have *living* children. But he shows it so... Differently. If he shows it at all.
He has been the greatest support possible. He has been unbelievable, truly... We went through this together. He was there every step of the way. When I forgot how to speak English, he was my translator. He talked to me during the epidural process, he described it to me as I asked what was going on. He cried with me. He held my hand. He had everyone leave the room and asked me to read to our baby as I would have done if none of this had happened.
And even so, he does not understand me. He'll never understand it. He'll never "get it". He'll never understand this feeling. The horrible feeling I can't even put into words. The one only a mother feels. The one I had not felt ever before... and is currently eating my insides all day long.
Every inch of me is bruised.
My brain can't function correctly. All I can think about is being pregnant. Or better yet... staying pregnant. I want a baby so bad I'd risk going through this again to get one.
No, I am not obsessed with being pregnant or having a child. And if you haven't been through this, you don't get to judge. You don't get to tell me it's too soon or that I should wait however long you think appropriate. You don't get to tell me I'm obsessed. You don't get to have an opinion. Period.
I believe you would only understand if you have experienced this yourself... If you have terminated a much wanted the most wanted pregnancy.
My husband doesn't understand me. And I don't blame him. After all, he is a man. He wants us to wait 6-9 months. He wants us to "take it easy". To "have fun", to do "other things".
I get he is scared. Scared to death we go through this again... of seeing me like this, of losing me to depression and coming home to find instead a well of tears. I get it. It's terrifying. It's so effing terrifying there's a fine line between being scared and giving up. And I'm worried. About me, about him, about our relationship.
Will I be able to be happy until he decides he wants to try again? Will I be OK with "just us"?
I am SO sorry for your loss. Thank you for connecting to my blog - I will be reading through yours soon too. I know it's been about 3 weeks since you had to say goodbye. I remember how raw and painful everything was then. How I look back now at that first month or two and barely even remember how I got through it - how I survived through the shock and grief and pain. Trust me that it won't always feel like such a sharp stabbing pain.
ReplyDeleteI also understand the difficulties with trying to connect with my husband. Sometimes I'd find myself looking at him like he was an alien because I just could not believe how it almost seemed "easy" for him to "move on". It made me feel so alone. I had to get to a place where I could accept that men and women really do grieve differently. I realized that just because he wasn't showing his grief in the same way I was didn't mean it wasn't hard for him too. It took me a while to come to terms with that.
I wish I had some sort of advice to share with you but I really don't. I will be happy to follow along and offer any support I can. For now, sending you a ((Hug)).