I visited my shrink for the second time today after our loss. There are no such things as support groups in my area, so it's pretty much all I got. Last week I admitted to him that I didn't think I would be visiting him this year.. (I really didn't think I was going to be visiting him at all); that sitting on his green couch counting his degrees on the wall made me feel defeated. I've lost once again... and this is biggest loss I've had to face in my entire life. I've lost two babies this year. I write it. I sometimes say it out loud. But it's so difficult to understand... to accept.
We were talking about acceptance and he asked a couple of questions like: have I accepted the fact that I am no longer pregnant? And I went all "of course I have accepted it. There's nothing left for me to do" on him. So I told him I thought acceptance depended much on not being angry, and that I was no longer angry. I am just sad, and lonely. He then said that was true in part, but that acceptance also depended on "going back to people".
OK, I got it. I have not accepted it yet... I don't feel like seeing people (and don't think I'll feel like doing so for a fair amount of time), the thought of my own two-year-old brother makes me sad, and I don't want to leave my house unless it's to go to the gym or to work (and I'm no fan of work either, I'm a early childhood education school administrator). But I will. And it's OK if I haven't. It's only been 15 days.
I am grateful that I have someone to talk to, even if it's his job to listen. I can vent and cry all I want (and I usually don't cry. I talk, A LOT, which is weird for me because I'm not a talker).
I tend to shut people out every time something happens. I've been doing it my whole life. If it weren't for him, I would probably not talk to anyone, as I feel that no one that's available to talk to me will understand what I'm going through. There's only so much the human brain can understand, and I truly believe if you have not gone through it, you won't be able to understand.
I will not listen to people tell me that I should move on or that everything happens for a reason. I know that. And I'll do it in my own time and my own pace.
Today's photo challenge is "laughter". I can do everything but laugh right now. I have laughed after everything that happened, I just don't do it often, and then I usually hate myself for a few minutes after I laugh because I feel I shouldn't be doing so. I know it's silly.
Today is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I had ordered candles on Etsy to light tonight and the courier failed to bring one home on time. The other one arrived at my sister in law's (Miami) and she lit it for me and sent me pictures. She also lit her candle in honor of the four babies she lost. I am lighting a candle here at home in memory of our children and my angel nieces and nephews. Forever our babies, forever our angels.
I downloaded the IG app and posted this print to create awareness. Then I deleted the app again.
candle I had ordered on Etsy.
candle I lit at home.
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