even if your faith is broken...

November 14th used to mean nothing to me. It was a date like any other; nothing special went on. Except this year, November 14th was my first due date. I was supposed to give birth to a healthy baby just in time to dress up for Thanksgiving. Instead, I am mourning the loss of my two children. I lost two children in 2014. 

I have two pregnant women at school. The first one gave birth last week. The second one gives birth by the time I was supposed to deliver A. So there is really no escaping this feeling. Even if there's a shitload of work to do, I have two constant and vivid reminders of what I no longer am. 

Being a preschool administrator is about the worst job ever when having lost a child. Every activity is a detonator. I am a ticking bomb that is dying to go off... but for the love of kids have managed to get a grip of herself and not give in to her tears. 

Instead of celebrating my children, the lives I was supposed to bring to Earth, I am receiving birth announcements at work. Stupid emails with stupid pictures of a stork. I hear stories about women complaining about their baby crying too much, or pooping too much... I hear stories about women in my family who are experiencing postpartum depression. Jesus!! If anyone knows what postpartum depression feels like, it's me. I'd trade places with them any second. 

I can honestly say I am holding on to whatever bit of faith there is left in me. This is fucking hard. It seems like everyone is out there sprouting children, especially women who have little to no income, a couple of other children to take care of, and are teenagers. On my way to work, I see about 7 pregnant women during my 6 minute drive. 

Anyway, I'm OK. There are good days and there are bad days. I have accepted that and the fact that I can do nothing to change this. 

Next Monday I have 4 appointments at the BWH. A part of me really wishes they tell me something's wrong with me. Maybe then I'll have a reason. Maybe then I'll know it wasn't just "bad luck". Maybe then I'd have peace. 

My husband gave me a late anniversary present yesterday. I think it's the perfect way to honor A.