8 weeks of heartache.

Eight weeks have gone by and I feel nothing but emptiness. I miss you every day a little bit more, and my heart feels heavier every second that goes by. Yet it's smaller. It's been broken so many times and I've lost so many pieces, there's not a single thing on Earth able to mend it back together. Everything I do reminds me of you. Every child at school is a picture of what I have lost and will never get back. I've become more cynical (if that's even possible), and I've become more afraid. Afraid of death, of continuing to lose, of fighting these eternally long battles all by myself. I've become more anxious, more depressed, more alone. I have accepted that this pain will never leave me. And a part of me doesn't want it to go. Pain is all I have to remember you, the only existing bridge between you and me. I have begun to regret. I regret not holding you longer, not taking more pictures, not having brought a piece of you back with me. I regret not telling you enough how sorry I am. I regret not reading to you as much as I would have liked. I really did try my best to make your last moments here on Earth more comfortable, but I keep imagining the pain I put you through... I feel it myself. I hate myself for it. I hate that you had to suffer. I hate that I had to choose to let you die. I hate my body and I hate what's become of me. I can't think. I can't work. I can't be myself. I just want to go to sleep and wake up a million years from now. It's not always like this. I'm not always like this. There are days less painful than today. There are days when I can't wait to be pregnant again. There are others, like today, that I don't want other babies. I want you. I don't bother telling anyone how I feel, I'd rather not listen to any more "encouraging" talks. No one cares to ask how I feel either. Maybe they're afraid of my cynicism. But I don't want to be told I'm young and have time. I don't want time if it's not with you. You represent the happiest and darkest days of my life. I am grateful to have been chosen as your mom, even if it hurts this much. As long as I'm living, my babies you'll be...