All I have today are pictures. Pictures I constantly find myself reviewing and zooming into, trying to memorize everything I have left of you.
More often than not, I have to remind myself that men do not grieve like women do. I feel so lonely... Not even my husband understands. It's not like I talk about my feelings much, but when I do, he just doesn't get it. We have such different outlooks on the subject.
This week has been the hardest so far. I'd wake up to workout, and then go back to bed for most of the day or stayed in PJs on the couch. I only made it to work once. Sleeping is the only thing I don't get tired of. I feel like I could do it forever. I haven't felt like doing much ever since I picked up the ashes. My shrink says I should take it slow and pamper myself.
Trying to get my life back on track, I started a 4 week meditation program on Wednesdays last week. I want to be better.
I've started running. I think if I train hard enough, I'll be able to run a half marathon next year... (funny thing about goals is the higher you reach the cooler they sound, I have yet to run a 5K without dying). I might enroll now that I'm motivated. Then I think... "What if I get pregnant? I will end up losing the money."
I hate that this year revolved around the sole thought of getting pregnant, being pregnant, or staying pregnant. I don't want to continue living around my desire to have a baby. I want to live fully, even if I don't get to have a living baby.
I ask myself... Will I be able to do so? Will I live fully with empty arms?
Take it easy on yourself. 2 months is not a long time for the losses that you have had. When I lost my Lydia I was very sick but after I barely left my house, I started to gain weight, feel depressed and so alone. Then, I dont know what happened. It suddenly changed. I am nowhere near normal and I think about her every day and always will. The tears have gone down to only about once a day now and I concider that an accomplishment. I found that the harder I was on myself to get back to normal, the worse I felt.
ReplyDeleteAlso, men are just different. They do everything different. I was getting so mad at my husband for not showing that he cared what we had just lost and then he said that he feels that his job more than anything right now is to support me and make sure I am ok. That is when I realized that just because I dont see him grieving doesn't mean he's not. So, maybe your husband isnt showing you all he's feeling because he thinks it will make it worse for you?
I have faith that you will get your rainbow. Sometimes people like us just have to work harder for it but I think it will make it that much more special and loved when we finally get it. Our rainbows wont be taken for granted and we will truly know how precious time with them is. Hugs***
Sending you a big virtual hug tonight. And I agree with Jen's comment - my husband and I have had similar conversations. He likes to keep busy to keep his mind off things, and he says sometimes he is afraid to talk to me about our babies because he doesn't want to bring me down (when I'm having a good day) or make me feel worse. For some reason it seems men and women are just wired differently. I tell him that I need to remember our babies and talk about them, just us - if we don't when who will?
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could do or say, but please know I am here for you and wishing better days are ahead soon.
Two months is no time at all. And hey - you made it to work once. That is better than not at all. You are doing the best you can and that is all you can ask of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI echo what others have said - men grieve in an entirely different way. My husband threw himself back into work and activities whereas I didn't even want to see people for weeks (I did go back to work, but really just to force myself to shower and dress each day). I think it is awesome that you are running again and hope you find some comfort in the activity and perhaps setting a goal for the year. I did something similar and signed up for a few races that I ended up not being able to do and I didn't think twice about the money b/c it was so worth it to have that goal out there when I was still running hard and not pregnant. I say go for it.
Thinking of you.