I have learned to live with the pain. I have proved to myself to be stronger than I ever thought I was.
My heart is broken and smaller; it will never be the same. I ache in places I didn't even know existed.
The guilt will never go away. It's a feeling I've learned to manage. I don't talk about it much... I get no one understands it. Not a single day goes by that I am not reminded of the pain I inflicted on my son. It was for the best, yada yada yada.
There's also the pain for the unknown. The pain of never knowing... Of forever wondering who they would have been.
The constant reminders of me failing at every attempt on becoming a mother (in society's eyes). If this pain I feel does not entitle me to be called mother, I don't know what will.
But I'm still standing. I'm here to share my story and help other women back up. I am grateful to have the support of my blogger friends: your comments and emails have lifted my spirit. I have felt understood and less alone.
I have a lot to be grateful for, though I don't feel like writing about those things. I will continue to have hope as long as my heart beats, this is the one thing I will not have taken away from me.
Thank you, 2014. Perhaps the answer to all my questions is never asking "why".
I am so sorry that 2014 brought you so much pain. I have felt many of the same heartaches and asked many of the same questions. But you are not a failure. We have all done the best we could under the terrible circumstances we were given. I try not to ask why, because I know that even if there were a God and He gave me an answer it would not satisfy me. There is no answer that will ever make sense. Thank you for continuing to share your story.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the terrible year you've had. It's too much to endure. You will never be the same, but I hope that you will continue to heal in 2015 and grow the hope in your heart. XO
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