22w3d

I've been away from blogging because I did not want to jinx it. So far, everything was going well, and as stupid as it sounds, I thought maybe not blogging about my fears and sorrows might make things smoother. It didn't. My fears and anxiety are still present, so present I have barely connected with this baby because I'm so afraid of losing him. So intensely present I have only told a handful of friends, and avoid leaving the house for things other than work because I don't want to run into anyone and have to talk about it. 

I do feel naïve though. Somehow, I let down my guard as the second trimester progressed. I was starting to feel as if this might actually be my turn. I felt sorry for my baby, and imagined him asking questions about why there were no pregnancy pictures or social media posts to announce his arrival. 

Yesterday was supposed to be a routine exam. An exam I schedule every other week because I like to see my baby and hear the doctor tell me everything is going well, and that we should treat this pregnancy as a "normal" pregnancy while I tell myself nothing about it is normal. Instead, I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix and will have a cerclage on Monday. All I can think about is if we make it that far. The cervix should be measuring more than 4 and is measuring 2.8. I am being realistic. Things have not always, scratch that, things have never gone right when it comes to me and pregnancies. Why should I think this time around will be different? 

I keep hoping it will, that somehow this baby is supposed to be with me and I'll be able to hold my Christmas miracle coming December. But I'm not expecting to. I'm wrapping my head around the fact that it might not happen, and that I have to be strong enough to face loss yet again. Somehow I'm at peace with this. I've understood that I've been through the worst, and that whatever happens, I'll be able to stand up yet again.